I have been away for sometime, though my heart has always led me back to that worn wooden cross. I must confess I have not been the child of God in recent weeks that I once was when the spiritual water of Him washed over me and entered my belly. I strayed back into this depraved world for awhile even going back to old wicked habits which die even harder deaths.
In my guilt of feeling unworthy of His love, I crucified not my flesh but my spirit. Till hearing even the enemies voice within me. Truly there was a battle of good versus evil inside of me, till St Michael pierced my own beast from within me. I could only cry out for Christ to save me from these demons within me.
You ask why is one such as me tormented by invisible entities? Nightmares that have no reason of being came into my dreams. I no longer watch violent movies or play violent video games in my leisure times and movies or television that is filled with cussing and crude behavior and perverted ethics and men and women speaking words that would make any hardened criminal blush many tones of pink and purple. I find the best method is just turning the television off. In my opinion besides my love for cooking shows, classical movies, and animal and history documentaries, it’s otherwise the devils toybox.
Though there is weakness of course and then I either watch something that I know I shouldn’t be watching as in horror or thriller movies which I used to love, which then afterwards I am plagued by anxious nights of wakefulness. I have realized that all of these things, media, video games, movies and music even have doorways into the abyss and the far darker recesses of our minds. If we can believe we’re portals ourselves or gateways that can allow demonic and even angelic possession.
Why is it so far fetched to believe that these things such as violent video games, or even innocent cartoons for our children, can open our inner doorways and allow such entities to enter our temples and possess us in the process?
Why is even Christ says in scripture: Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.
The more I study scripture the more I believe Christ was not talking about material things ever when he spoke to His disciples, as in coming in our homes and eating and dining with us but He was always talking about the spiritual world. He meant our spiritual homes our temples our dwelling within, which can house either the Father of Light or the Father of Darkness.
But we always have that choice on whom we open the door to and allow to enter, we also must keep our temples clean and purified for the Father of Light will not enter someone whom has not asked for forgiveness and wants to change their wicked and evil ways.
Where there is a way within us there is a casting out of also by the Father whom is within us through His beloved Son the Holy Lamb of God. The Lion King as I proclaim Him King of all Kings and the Rock. The divine Light that casts out all darkness.
I have known spiritual battle even though I am no fighter nor ever wanted to be, it seems God has another plan for me and though weary from these battles are strengthened daily by the goodness, purity, truth, beauty, love, compassion and kindness that keeps me vital in body and spirit which is composed of these virtues of Him whom I have grown to love more and more as each day passes.
I have been away but not gone from Christ, not quite asleep just stirring from my rest waiting for the shofer horn to blow and the earth to groan. My heart is on Him that is where you may find Christ. Not my mind for my mind will always deceive me and lure me to the material things of this world which are quickly turning to dust.
The guilt of not being good enough or worthy enough often remains but I ask myself why am I so guilty? I have led an arduous existence but not as difficult as many, so that I do not seem to be complaining, as all my creature comforts have always been taken care of by God, but nevertheless a psychologically hard life for someone that is very naive to the world, sensitive and overly emotional.
During my youth years traumatized by a stress disorder, panic attacks that ended me up in the hospital, loss of my dear brother at a young age, feeling guilty that I never spent enough time with him when he was alive, and unable to deal with death at the time I turned to alcohol and abused it, growing up in a dysfunctional household where both parents did the best they could, though lacking in maturity, stamina, and financial means to raise three children, it was a household of constant fighting, alcohol abuse, and both physical and mental abuse. Never feeling like I was good enough or loved enough having to struggle with disabilities with myself and being a misfit all my youth and an outcast among my peers.
My best friends truly became books where I could escape my life and enter worlds that were like dreams and fairy tales where each story that I read had a happy ending at least for this child. As I grew up though I became terribly insecure and more or less had a fear of all men that they would try and hurt me never could get close to any man for the reason of being abused and downtrodden having to often fight tooth and nail against two brothers that would come at me with fists flying or often fighting against themselves like cats and dogs, and being slapped and kicked by your parents, so most of my youth was upon building a most weary and non-trusting feeling against all masculinity in my family as a kicked puppy must feel neglect and hurt against its owner whom is supposed to care, protect and love it.
I came to know Christ as the only male figure whom would never hurt me, judge me, ridicule, call me horrible names, or hit me, the only being that I could fully trust, not only did He save my sanity but He saved my life many times during my youth, which I know angels are watching over me when I should probably be dead or maimed.
Yet as I am older now I still have those feelings of guilt of unworthiness which I know are from the enemy and if one feels such guilt cast it out in Jesus name. We are not saved by our own works nor damned by every little failing that we do if we repent daily as a child would ask their parent for forgiveness for doing something wrong or bad so should we in asking our daddy in heaven whom loves us even more then our own biological parents could ever do so.
This is not a post that I am writing that was going to be candy coated, this is the real hard and often difficult to swallow truth of my own struggles against sin and that we don’t have to struggle on our own, for we’re not alone in this.
I don’t know His method nor would I ever call Him mad in His perfect design on why He always chooses people that have lives usually where they have no control over, filled with suffering, sacrifice and often torment. Perhaps the only true way of finding heaven is if you have found hell first, for one must go down before you can go up for we all were going to hell once but once reborn in Christ, He then grabs your hand and pulls you out.
At least that’s how I view each and everyone of His servants have in the bible each led lives including His own beloved Son that were hard, difficult, filled with suffering and pain. Yet now at the end of even this story as each one ended their stories in the bible, they found that piece of heaven in God by not giving up their light and what was good and right and trusting in Him.
Now at the end I am comfortable, more or less at peace with myself, piercing that guilt dragon with the sword of Christ. Forgiving my family and learning to love and accept them as they have grown older and have less strength for battling against one another including me. Building up my confidence in myself, feeling proud of the little things I have accomplished in this lifetime, learning to love myself and accept myself for whom I am. I am trusting Him now with my life and my family I know are in His Hands now.
For what comes tomorrow nobody knows but God and the earth is shaking more and more violently as each week passes the weather is getting more erratic and violent, we’re seeing signs and wonders in our heavens, prophecy is coming true in our lifetimes, and we have a blueprint for what comes next and that is the written Word of God in revelations.
For the Holy Word of God is coming very soon. It’s not a word on a page as many would think but the Creator of all things to rescue the light from the earth before the wrath of God befalls the wickedness and evil of mankind. Become a child of light before it’s too late, by opening your door to Christ. How do you first hear His knocking by asking forgiveness first for your sins and letting Him into your heart. Know that you’re not alone in any struggle you have to overcome and that there is a God and He loves you most dearly.